Skip to Main Content
by Rob Porter | April 01, 2022


You’ve just received word that your job is going to switch to the fully remote paradigm. That means no more travel expenses or traffic, no more rushing frenetically from place to place, and no more of the crushing outfit dilemma you’ve faced with each new day. You set up your new workspace, full of excitement at the prospect of working comfortably from home, and you get started. “I’ll be so productive this way,” you think to yourself, and then suddenly you hear the familiar click clack of the pointed nails on the floor all around you. You’re being swarmed. It’s too late now, the cats know.

Yes friends, one of the greatest challenges of working from home is the never-ending battle for peace and the use of your own computer against your cat…or cats. Today I will be providing an exclusive, inside look at how I have successfully eliminated the distractions of our fuzzy friends in order to maximize my productivity and secure my sanity. ::coughs:: Let’s get started.

You might be thinking that a standing desk set up is all you need to stop the cats from pestering you while you’re hard at work making money in order to feed them; however, this is not correct. The average house cat possesses hind leg bone length and muscle mass that allows them to perform vertical jumps of around five feet with little to no effort. That standing desk you just bought will do nicely when they want to take a nap high above the ground, which they are often inclined to do (see what I did there?).

You can try beating the cats at their own game by strategically placing items that will pre-emptively distract them all around your work station. All those empty Amazon boxes sitting near the front door can finally be put to good use because anyone who has cats knows – they love empty cardboard boxes. Another option for those with wood floors, like yours truly, would be to take electrical tape and create squares on the floor around your workstation. This will distract the cats, who are powerless to resist the temptation to sit within the lines of the square.

You can try all that, yes; however, the cats will eventually tire of your schemes and you’ll be feeling extra sorry when your cool, oversized fuzzy slippers got stuck on the electrical tape one too many times and you might have twisted your ankle trying to shake the tape off while dodging all those Amazon boxes and the cats who are rolling around just beneath you, greatly impeding your walk to the computer each morning. Not that any of that happened to me. No yeah, it definitely did not happen to me at all. No way. I don’t even have slippers so, uh…you know…yes, that’ll do.

You know what they say about failure: it leads to the path of success. You can try locking yourself in a room so that the cats are unable to enter. Surely, you’ve got them where you want them this time – away from the computer! Now it’s time to get some work done. You enjoy the silence for a short time until you hear the scratching and clawing at the closed office door behind you. “Blast those cats!” you say, shaking your fist in the air. “Why won’t they leave me be?” You temper your nerves and promise yourself to deal with the constant scratching -scratching at the office door. You stare at the computer while the cats behind you claw at the door, the sharp and swift strokes they do seem to implore “let us in as soon as possible” as the cats continue scratching -scratching at the office door. Let them in as soon as possible, or endure the onslaught of sharp and swift claws scratching -scratching, forever more.

It’s time to get yourself together. How many days and weeks has this madness been going on? You splash some cold water on your face, open all the shades and windows; the sunlight blinding you, and then…eureka! The solution has been staring you (me) in the face all along!

Yes friends, now it is time for me to share with you the ultimate plan for stopping the cats from touching your computer. First, a list of items you will need to collect: an extension ladder, extension cables and power strips, a board large enough to sit your computer on top of, a cooler, plenty of water and food, a folding chair, a very warm jacket, sunglasses, sun screen, an umbrella (preferably without any metal in it), a set of kitchen utensils (plastic, if you can help it), a microwave, insect repellant spray or cream, a battery powered radio with plenty of backup batteries, a sleeping bag, and sneakers with rubber soles on them. I think that’s about it. All of those items cost me around $2,000.00USD, but you can probably find better prices on eBay or Facebook Market if you’re so inclined.

Now that we’re all safely on the roof we can talk about what to avoid while we’re up here working in absolute peace and quiet. Birds can be somewhat of a nuisance if you’re not careful, and even mildly powerful gusts of wind can be enough to really ruin your day, so be careful about those. In the winter months, it can be very cold at this altitude, hence the warm jacket, but during the summer you’ll want plenty of sun screen since you’re pretty out in the open up here. Also, watch for thunder and lightning, low flying planes and helicopters, and squirrels (seriously). I’m very serious about the squirrels, so take heed of my words.

With that, you’re finally prepared to get some work done. I had forgot to mention, you’ll want some cold medicine because you’ll be at the mercy of the elements ::cough:: but, other than that everything should be smooth sailing from now on. ::twitches weirdly:: Who’s laughing now, cats?


DISCLAIMER: Happy April Fools’ Day! This entry is a parody of events that may or may not have taken place – do not attempt.